i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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