Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
