sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
