I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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