I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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