Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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