my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
