saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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