I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
