Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
