our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
