I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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