If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
