its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
