Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
