he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
