Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
