Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
