My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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