The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
