The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
