I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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