There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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