I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
