So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
