My friends, they love my intelligence
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
