im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
