Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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