is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
