she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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