so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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