I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
