Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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