yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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