If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
