i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
