capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
