i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
