One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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