Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
