Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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