Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
