I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
