i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
A+ Viking dick
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
