i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
