i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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