It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
