I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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