The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We are two peas in an std pod
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
