Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
